~~~
It was another day at war for General Rama. His enemies were simple foes. And so, he was physically at ease. Yet at the same time, never one has he ever let his guard down. As the youngest commander-in-chief in history, he has led his army through hundreds of battles and has not lost a single war--the people called him the God of War. However, in some ways, he did not believe himself to be the so-called God of War. Such a title meant nothing to him. He only believed that every muscle and fiber of his body was meant to be sacrificed on the battlefield, for the good of his people, his country, and above all, his king.
"Soldiers of the Deva army! Heed my call! Today, we will fight back against the evil Asura nation. We will take back what is ours and fight. FIGHT to protect our people from the claws of these evil beings," he boomed to his ten-thousand men army. "Place your trust and faith in me, as I have put mine in yours!" he bellowed as he rode off on his majestic steed in the direction of the enemy.
Suddenly, like a horrible and too-realistic game of whack-a-mole, multiple flashes of lightning struck the ground and killed many of his men. He whirled around to see many of his men injured.
How could this be so? Lightning never strikes the same place twice and yet, here, this has happened.
Squinting, he looked in the direction of the enemy to see a lone carriage coming to a stop in front of the walls dividing the two armies. Through the veil, he could see the silhouette of... strangely... a woman's figure. Thinking this must be purely a poorly executed decoy, he strode on towards the carriage. Without hesitation or any fear for his own well-being, he approached the carriage and lifted the curtain of the carriage to behold a heart-stopping sight. At that moment, he felt the blood in his body rush through at an alarming rate. His vision blurred and a slight lightheadedness overcame him.
Inside, sat a beautiful, young human woman staring back at him defiantly with piercing obsidian eyes. Upon looking at her, he felt his blood come even more alive. However, it was more than just lust. It was a feeling of deep love, attraction, and... saudade. A feeling of sad and lonely longing, which he has never experienced before. Somehow, it felt as if he had known her for eons. That she was meant for him, and he, her. Yet, how could it be? A woman he has never seen in his life was making him weak at the knees. Rama wasn't much of a romantic man and although many women coveted him for his looks and fame, he paid them no attention due to their superficiality. Women were simply just chattering baby birds and overly engrossed in their own ridiculous problems. The sheer number of times he had to come running to console his shrill young cousins, and because of what? A mere bug that had the misfortune to cross their paths.
She suddenly broke his silent reverie.
"Are you the great general they call Rama?" she inquired. She had a marvelous voice. One that would pass through the ears sweetly and smoothly, like silk.
"Yes," said he, "and what is a young human girl doing amidst a war and serving the Rakshasa?"
Ignoring his question, she proceeded to speak with fiery ambition in her eyes. "I want to request a ceasefire, general. My master, the great demon king, Ravana, is giving you one last chance to retreat before he destroys the rest of your pitiful army," she said.
Rama was instantly taken aback. What is a girl doing demanding a cease fire from me and fighting for the demons? Who knew the king would stoop to such low tactics to sway me? His mind immediately said no, but his heart defiantly said it would do anything to appease this young woman. Never has such a woman affect him so... Perhaps she was the only one who ever will.
Coming to an internal impasse, Rama decided to do something he would never imagine to do in his life. With a deep breath, he said "I will declare a ceasefire. However, there is one condition: since you have pulled out my heart and taken it as your own, I want you to come with me. I will leave my post as commander-in-chief and never attempt to destroy the Asura nation if you come with me and be my bride."
She looked at him in utter confusion. The confusion turned into comprehension and slowly, a look of acceptance settled into her eyes. It was at that point that Rama looked a bit closer at her clothes. They were dirty and tattered. Her hands were callused and her feet were marked with scars. Rama realized that she probably never had the chance to experience kindness nor genuineness, yet she was fiercely loyal to her master. Perhaps she thought of him as an insane, lustful man. Yet, the acceptance in her eyes showed that she had no other choice. She agreed to his request and leapt onto his horse, silently and with sad eyes. It was then that Rama made a vow to her under the moonlight.
In a soft and tender voice, "Do not fear, miss. I am not a dangerous man and never will I raise a hand against you. My heart simply yearns for you and your heart," he said. He saw her relax and look away shyly.
"I have forsaken my career and my future to be with you. I should at least know your name. So, Miss, what is your name?" asked Rama. When she refused to answer, he said "How about I call you Rama?"
"My name is Sita!" she quickly said. She looked away as Rama noticed the evidence of a blush creep up her face.
Surely, she had felt the same intense attraction towards him...
~~~
Image of Rama and Sita sitting together.
Source: DollsofIndia.
Author's Note:My story is a very loose spin-off of the scene where Sita and Rama encounter each other. In the original tale, it was said that the two fell in love with each other immediately as soon as they set their eyes on each other, and I found that it was romantic. I wanted to rewrite this kind of intense "first love" meeting with a different setting. Since Rama was a well-respected man around to his people and a great warrior, I made him the God of War in my story and a handsome, famed General. I also wanted to give the reader insight into the character's mind. Originally, I wanted to make it both from Sita's and Rama's perspective, but that would have made for an extremely long story, so I just kept it solely on Rama. Yet at the same time, we got a little bit of Sita's feelings in there too. In addition, I didn't like that Ravana basically kidnapped Sita in the original story, so I made it seem as if she was already a maidservant in his court that he simply used as a pawn. This story was a little hybrid between the Ramayana and a Chinese TV drama I have been watching recently called "General and I" which has a similar backstory, but not exactly the same. I happened to combine something I currently loved into my writing and I found that it made me even more creative than I normally feel most of the time.
Bibliography: "Ramayana Online: Public Domain Edition" by M. Duct, R. Duct, Gould, Griffith, Hodgson, Mackenzie, Nivedita, Oman, Richardson, Ryder. Website: Indian Epics.
I was shocked when you revealed that the lone carriage was filled with a beautiful woman. That isn’t what I was anticipating and I loved that small twist of events. It was a subtle entrance of Sita to the story yet a very dramatic entrance into the presence of Rama and his troops. The interaction between Rama and Sita was very interesting. I wonder what would have happened had Rama refused and his troops went to war with Ravana. I wonder if they would have crushed Rama like Sita said. I also wonder how the rest of Rama’s army felt after their leader abandoned them just like that! What if you showed a little bit of the reactions from the remaining members of Rama’s troops since they had placed all their faith into him and he had never let them down until he leaves them? Would they desire to seek revenge? Great Story!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great story, Michelle! My favorite part of your story was Rama's initial reaction to seeing Sita. I almost felt as if I was there, seeing him with his jaw dropped. I like how the introduction illustrates how Rama is such a tough military general, but the ending reveals that he is like most men and falls for what he thunks is the perfect woman haha.
ReplyDeleteIt was interesting to read a different approach on how Rama and Sita met. Instead of Sita originally being with Rama and trying to be taken away by Ravana, Sita was under Ravana’s control and Rama wants to take her from him. I could definitely feel the romantic atmosphere between the two. The story does not say, but I assume that Sita wants to accept Rama’s offer and go with him.
ReplyDeleteI like that you turned Rama into a General! In a couple of my stories I turned him into an ex-military man in modern times. I love his inspiring speech to his army! It definitely helps bring him more to life, to hear him talk. It reminds me of like a Spartan movie or something similar. I liked your incorporation of his inner thoughts. I’ve always enjoyed the strong and hearty man that suddenly falls weak all because of a woman. Our teacher suggested this to me, and I definitely think it helps, in the paragraph that starts with “She suddenly broke his silent reverie.” You might think about breaking up the dialogue into multiple paragraphs. It helps visualize a back and forth conversation. Also, breaking up the inner thoughts (like you did towards the beginning of the story) into separate paragraphs. I liked your dramatic twist on their first meeting. I loved the ending where you gave us a glance that Sita might have liked him back. Overall, great story!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I liked that you turned Rama into a commander and chief. This itself was a nice difference from the original story. I also like that comment you added in the story about lighting not hitting twice in the same place. It helped create more suspense and understanding to why this was a big deal. I think what would help is if in the rest of the story the thoughts were separated as they were earlier. That way readers know what he is thinking and they are almost able to picture him self-reflecting. I loved the part where Rama would cease fire for Sita. The way he told her that she has stolen his heart was so adorable! I am a sucker for love. Maybe to add more suspense in the story, Sita should decline the offer or come up with a counter offer? I liked the image that you used, it helps the reader understand that this story is based on the Ramanyana. Overall, great story!
ReplyDeleteYou have a talent for storytelling. The detail along with the dialog fit well together and wraps the whole story together. It was shocking at the end that a General that had led 100 successful battles would give up so easily to have a woman that takes his breath away. This depicts the love Rama and Sita have towards each other perfectly. The General couldn't care less that he is abandoning his post as long as this beautiful woman can be his. The only question I still have is what does his army think about his decision? Do they sit by and watch Rama throw away the battle and go home easily? If there had been 100 battles then I am right to assume that some of them are with the Asura's. Does the army just follow the General's orders and go home? Seems like if they can tell he is not himself they would assume this woman put a spell on him and continue the attack. If the enemy could make lightning come from the sky then they could probably make Rama fall in love with whomever they please.
ReplyDeleteWow this story was really great! I loved the twist because I didn’t expect the girl to be Sita. I like that you made her strong and independent so that Rama did not control her fate like in the Ramayana. You were really creative in thinking about the storyline! Great job! Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteI think I like your rendition of Rama and Sita’s encounter more than the actual story. It’s pretty cute, and your story was very well-written! I don’t think I’d ever come up with combining an Indian epic with a storyline from a Chinese TV drama. So for that, I definitely applaud you for executing the stories and styles so well!
ReplyDeleteI immediately liked the implementation of the sentence in bold underneath the title at the beginning of your story. The sentence really sets the scene and the tone of what's about to take place in the story. It made me feel as though there was going to be a huge battle, which in fact was confirmed when you introduced the God of War and the comical reference to the game of "whack-a-mole." I like how you provide the reader a lot of the internal dialogue and emotion that Rama was feeling concerning Sita. Most passages that I have been reading, even my own, have been focusing on Sita's emotions or just the interaction between the couple. You stated in your author's note that the story would be extremely long if you embedded the perspectives of both Sita and Rama; however, I think that providing the internal dialogue of both characters would create a great story. One suggestion how to do this would be to write the story as though it were a play or theater production.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you changed the way Rama and Sita met. The way they were from opposite sides of the war instead of one which would have made it all the more difficult for them to get together. I also liked how brave she was and how in order to protect her land and people she decided to give herself up to a man and partly because she actually liked him too and there was an initial attraction there. It was really fun to read and I really hope that you write a part two of this story and let us know what happens to them after they leave and everyone's reactions to this. I am sure no one was expecting this to happen so they would have extreme reactions. I have never thought of their union occurring this way but it was extremely cute. I figured it would also be forbidden since they were from different parts of the war and were supporting different things.
ReplyDeleteThis was such a cute story to read! My favorite part was the end when Sita starts to blush. You can’t help, but awe at the scene-taking place from the way you wrote Sita’s reactions. I also like how you portrayed Rama in your story—he seems like a very charming man. I like that you incorporated something from your own life into your writing—a unique touch! What if you added a little bit more of the show you are watching? You could add a scene from the show into this story. I was wondering what happens with Sita and Rama after your ending. Did they live “happily ever after?” I think a scene into the future of their lives would be a good incorporation if you wanted. Other than that, I thought this story was absolutely adorable! You did a really great job in portraying your thoughts into a story, and the characters seem so innocent and in love. Great job!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I’ll clarify that I read your story from week three – “An Enchanting Encounter”. I want to start off by telling you that I really enjoyed the story. It was well-executed, and I felt that your introduction of Sita’s character was incredibly compelling. One suggestion that I would make is that you look at the way Sita’s character changes when she agrees to become Rama’s wife for the sake of her master’s wishes. It doesn’t really make all that much sense to me that someone as powerful and confident as she seems to be at the beginning of the story would suddenly lose that confidence completely as a result of her situation changing. It seems as though the warrior Sita is a different woman from the one that Rama takes away on his horse. Maybe you intended that to be the case; however, the change seems somewhat random to me. In any case, I really enjoyed your story! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Phoi,
ReplyDeleteWow, this was such a great twist on the original story! I like how you incorporated elements from a Chinese TV drama you've been watching, which, by the way, sounds like an addicting TV show to watch. You definitely have a gift for storytelling because the details, dialogue, plot all made this story super captivating. I really liked the twist you put on this story by having Sita as Ravana's pawn, something I definitely didn't expect. I really don't have any suggestions on how to make this story better because it was a really good story! I think it would have been interesting, however, if you included maybe a little background information on how Sita became Ravana's pawn. We see later in your story indications that he was not a good man, so it would've been interesting to know how she ended up with him there in the first place. The author's note was really helpful in explaining the goals you had with this story, which you definitely achieved. Nice job!